Hello all,
I’m currently writing this post at 3am after watching a heartbreakingly sad yet moving documentary on Netlfix titled Dark Girls*. I’ve been on a documentary binge lately. I always seem to forget how much I enjoy watching them. It’s really cool watching something that’s not only meaningful but also real. No scripts, no actors, no detailed plot.
My blog posts seem to be heading in a deep meaningful direction lately and less of a journaling of my Windsor adventures. If you both want to read something else please let me know and I will provide!
This post is semi-personal and Anna as you should know I hate talking about anything like this but whatever…..
The documentary basically discusses internalized racism and colorism within black communities. It starts off with this emotional scene of a young girl shyly denouncing her blackness and saying some other really sad things.The documentary includes interviews with black men and women discussing their experiences and thoughts about light-skinned and dark-skinned women.
The feelings expressed by these individuals was something I recognized not only in my own childhood/young teen memories, but also in my interactions with other black women. The other day I was in the car with my sister Deziree, who I would say is the darkest out of all my sisters and she made this comment that really bothered me. It was a hot day out and Deziree was complaining that it was too hot out for it just to be spring, something I definitely agreed with because I fucking hate the heat until she added that she didn’t want to get too dark. Which led to some follow questions by my other sister (Giovanna) about why that was problem. My sister shrugged off the questions with a vague “because its too early for that”. I couldn’t help but wonder if there was something more than that going on? Was darkness being associated with something undesirable and unwanted?
For me it was one of those moments where something discussed in school was becoming relevant to my life. The conception of race and colourism was playing out before me and I didn’t know what to do.
While watching the documentary I was able to reflect on all the times I personally sort of shunned my blackness, acting like it didn’t exits, that it wasn’t a visiual signifier of some part of me. From my obsession with my white Barbie’s hair and outright rejection of my own hair until I’d say very recently, I’d say this topic really hits home.
We consume media so blindingly that we fail to see the powerful and sometimes unconscious images that are being represented. Black beauty ideals I find are sometimes attempting to be as close as they can to white beauty ideals, from simple things like hair straigtening, relaxers (something I’ve done and thoroughly regret), weaves to using skin bleaching products.
The word representation is used so often that for me it has lost most of its meaning. So much so that I forgot how important it is and how amazing it feels when you see even some small part of you being represented in a larger framework. Is it because it confirms something within us? That yes, actually I am normal, I am acceptable.
Another new tv obsession of mine is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I’ve burned through a season and a half in about a week and I was loving it until I noticed one thing; there wasn’t a single black character. I had watched around 20 episodes and hadn’t seen a person of colour play a minor role. Like was this real life? I love the semi good plot in this show, but I couldn’t forgive it for its exclusionary casting. Then finally, success a black character! Disappointment followed soon after when the character was given stereotypical mannerisms and characteristics. What another fucking disappointment.
Anyways this is a complicated topic that I don’t think will ever fit into just a short blog post, but I tried.
I guess what I really got from watching the documentary was how great it is to just embrace and love yourself. We are plagued with images from the media about loving ourselves and being comfortable in our own skins, however these messages often come with some sort of clause, exception or the inevitable but. It’s important sometimes just to step back from everything else and be like fuck ya I rock and everything about me is pretty amazing because its me!
There’s just something amazing about loving who you are and presenting your amazing self to the world in its perfect imperfect form.
I hope you both are feeling some small form of self-love today because you deserve to acknowledge all the amazing things I see in you both on a daily basis!
-Alexa
(also excuse the grammatical errors as always)
*actually was 3am when I originally wrote this but I’ve been putting off posting it
partyinthenotusa 
Alexa, this was such a powerful post that really made me stop and think. Today I was watching some show while at the gym (I don’t even remember what it was), but what I did notice was that there was only one black character who was linguistically stereo typically black (spoke in African American Vernacular English #linguistics). All I could think about was how characters are cast for movies to speak a certain way, to create a certain image and abide a stereotype. I had to do a presentation on AAVE speech this year, and I watched some interviews which made me really sad. School boards in the US call Standard English “formal” and AAVE “informal” — isolating students of the black community. Moreover, teachers are typically hired if they speak standard English, and mark based on that. Therefore their students are losing marks because they just never learned to speak and conjugate in Standard English — therefore their creativity is lost because teachers cannot see past that. It’s interesting you brought up the fact that skin whiteners and straighteners are becoming popular, showing that the white hierarchy still does exist…also in language (which is more invisible). Your post was so inspirational, I loved it! I think it is so important to love yourself (“all your curves and imperfections”), because at the end of the day..you’re going to be the only one running the race, and you are going to have to teach your children how to love themselves and they will look up to your beauty ❤